Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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