I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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