I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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