I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize