I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
