How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
