I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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