my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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