My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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