I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
