Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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