Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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