That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
The best revenge is premature balding
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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