Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
