Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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