a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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