bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
