i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
