Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
