I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
