So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
