I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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