So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
