he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
