my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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