i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
did i walk over a car last night?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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