My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
