you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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