Those balls look pretty dangerous.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
