Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Randomize
