Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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