he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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