She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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