I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
