Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
