These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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