I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
