my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
