Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Even my vagina gasped.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
