YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
