Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize