Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
