Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
