return my video game
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
