I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
