if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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