Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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