You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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