so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
