Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
