On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
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