I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
