i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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