I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
