I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
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