Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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