I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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