We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
