I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
