she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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